When I return to Japan after a long absence from my home town in Paris, I'm bombarded with questions I'd never be asked in France: "What about marriage? Do you have children? Don't you have a boyfriend?" Perhaps because I'm 29, my single female friends of my age constantly bring up the word "marriage." It's unsettling to see the conversation proceed as if marriage is the only thing that determines happiness in life... Even my female friends, who until just a few years ago shared my dream of "work over marriage!", have changed, and I feel a sense of loneliness. While I think having someone to share your life with and being able to support your loved one is romantic, I find the formal contract of "marriage" irresistible. While I may be in the minority in Japan, this way of thinking is quite prevalent in France, a land of romance.




"If you love each other, that's enough. Why declare it to the world and sign a contract?" Parisian woman Fanny laughs as she talks about her views on marriage. "I wonder if there is such a thing as marriage to be happy. I think the sooner you can get rid of that illusion, the happier you will be." After eight years of studying wine and working in several bars, she opened her own bar, La Demoiselle, in Paris a year and a half ago, and is now a 35-year-old businesswoman who runs the bar almost single-handedly. The name of the bar, incidentally, means "unmarried woman" in French. She is currently living with her partner, whom she has been dating for a year, and before that she was in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend of six years. "I've never wanted to get married because I don't see the need for it. I don't want anything more than someone with whom I can share my feelings, support me through difficult times, and nurture love together. A connection of the heart is more important than a piece of paper," Fanny says, the more convincing she becomes. Even among her generation, there are many who remain unmarried, and she says she has never been criticized by her family or relatives for not marrying. "The way you view someone doesn't change whether they've been married or divorced, or whether they have children. I think in France, where individualism is so prevalent, people don't really care about superficial things like that. What's more important is how you feel about them as you get to know them, whether at work or in your personal life, so whether they're single or married is not a big deal."


When discussing French women's views on love, the word "individualism" is indispensable. This does not necessarily mean loneliness, but rather an independent and responsible way of thinking, one that has its own opinions and is able to live a self-sufficient and independent life. "I think it's very realistic for two emotionally and financially independent adults to decide to partner and live together, helping each other out. Even if you pledge eternal love, there's no absolute guarantee for the future. You never know what the future holds, but living together in the present feels much more romantic." In order to build an equal relationship with her live-in partner despite the difference in income, she says she splits all rent and living expenses 50/50. Fanny explains that the reason there are so many common-law marriages, divorced couples, and late marriages in France is because women have become more active in society in France. "In my grandmother's generation (over 80), it was considered normal for women to focus on the home and raising children rather than studying. Starting with my mother's generation (in their 50s), things changed so that women could also complete their studies and enter society. Nowadays, France has social equality between men and women, and in fact there are many fields in which women are recognized as superior to men. My grandmother has 10 grandchildren, including me, and she seems unhappy that none of them are married, but she seems to sympathize with the idea of ``individualism'' and putting work first."






Fanny is an independent and strong woman, but she also shows a girlish side. "Deep down every woman has dreams. It's a wonderful thing to be whispered words of love by the man you love, and having a wedding party is something wonderful and something everyone aspires to. France, known as a country of romance, has more romantic feelings about love than other countries, and I think it is a high priority in life. However, I just don't think that this necessarily has to be socially binding in the form of marriage." When asked about her thoughts on children, she smiled and said, "I'm currently discussing it with my partner. I hope to have good news to share in the not-too-distant future."


There are many differences between France and Japan, such as social background and tax systems, but listening to Fanny's wise and realistic thinking, one's doubts about the myth of marriage only grow. Love comes in all shapes and forms. I would call nurturing an irreplaceable relationship that only the two of you can build, without being bound by anything, "happiness." "Even if you worry about what others think, the world won't make you happy. I think you should be paying attention to what your heart is telling you."




>>In France, there's no age limit for romance! Discovering different forms of love only happens over time.